"Success is not measured by what you accomplish but the opposition you have encountered and the courage
with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."

Orison Swett Marden

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The zoo's a mess

It’s been a few weeks since I visited my “zoo” so I thought it was time to come for a chat.

The day after my last post, June 4th, is the day I went in for my foot surgery. They fixed a bunion on my left foot that has been there ever since I can remember. The last year it’s gotten so bad that I can’t wear most of my shoes. I guess it’s a crapshoot how it’s going to feel but the whole ordeal has been extremely painful for me. Here it is, just over two weeks after my surgery and I’m STILL in major pain. I wanted to put pictures up of my foot but my mother told me not to! So here’s one where you can see my classy “boot” and half of a favorite pair of shoes that I haven’t been able to wear because of the bunion. That was on my birthday and I was decked out in green so I went all out and got the green nail polish too!

Yes, my birthday has come and gone for another year. Since I hit 40, I haven’t really looked forward to my birthdays. Allen just doesn’t understand it. And I don’t know if I do either, I just had a real hard time turning 40. Now I’m closer to 50 than 40. OMG. The only thing I could come up with is in regard to my depression. When I was younger and was so consumed by self-destructive thoughts, I didn’t think I’d make it to 40. And then…whoa…I did. Anyway, I try not to think about the day too much. If we’re in town, we always go to Paradiso to get my free dinner and we usually take the weekend before or after to go camping. I miss my Paradiso dinner if my birthday falls on the weekend…just like it falls on Father’s Day occasionally too. I did get my free dinner and a Long Island Tea this year so I was happy. My brother Mark and his wife Wanda joined us so I was happy to have them meet us.

As far as my “zoo,” it seems all the zoo keepers have abandoned me. The cages in my mind need cleaning and I feel all on my own and a bit overwhelmed. In March, the psychiatric staff decided I should no longer see my therapist of over 11 years. I saw him one day and we were deep into treatment planning for the year. The next day, I was admitted to the hospital and he came up with a letter and said he was concluding his care with me. Just like that. I’ve tried reaching him to get some kind of explanation and eventually get some closure, but I have the feeling he has been instructed not to have contact with me. Nice. I have no closure at all and it sickens me. We had a very close, honest therapeutic relationship and it seemed in a matter of a minute it was cut off and I don’t understand why. No one will explain it to me.

Since MeritCare...the new Sanford…seems to want to transfer all of my psychiatric help out of there, I have a therapist at Lakeland Mental Health Center now (a regional health care facility—I have a case manager from Lakeland also). I’ve seen her twice. First time wasn’t very productive, but the second time went better. I came right out and told her I didn’t want to see her…I want to see my old therapist. She feels it’s important that I get some closure from this too and thought it was rather odd the way it all happened…so it’s not just me thinking these things. She suggested some ideas of how to do this but it does require some contact with my former psychologist. And he’s not answering my emails. I’m ready to complete a grievance form because of the way all of this was handled. It’s not the first time I’ve been screwed by somebody in the psych department. The CEO of MeritCare got a letter from me back in 2002 because of some horrid treatment I received. And it created quite the stir too.

In any case, my therapist called in sick last week and I can’t get in to see her until a month from now. I’m thinking…why do I bother????? Everyone is telling me that I just can’t see a therapist forever (even though I know those that do). And for crying out loud, we were working on a good treatment plan. He set up an outline for me and I went right to work on it. And I was already trying to tackle the dependency issue…which I won’t get into…so I could start dealing with it with him as well. It’s just that I think everyone wants me to work on their timetable and I can’t. I have my own timetable that I have to work with. And I’ve told him that. Just like when he was trying to increase the time between sessions. It’s like they force you. But for me, when I am ready for it, it will happen. A couple of years ago, when I was able to work, I was doing very well. All of a sudden, he realized he hadn’t seen me in over a month. See??? I eventually get it! But when things headed south again, they forced the issue big time and now I kind of feel like the baby bird that got pushed out of the nest. And I feel like if I can’t get some closure and understanding about this whole thing, I am going to end up hating him, which is not something I want to happen.

So, what am I to do? I take one day at a time. Many days aren’t very productive but at least I’m not so plagued with self-destructive thoughts and such right now. That’s a big relief. It’s just this veil of depression hanging over me all of the time and I’m not grounded enough to be able to figure out where to go or what to do next. Nothing seems right…there’s an argument for every pro and every con. So I sit at the computer on Facebook, play computer Boggle, do crosswords, and watch three hours of “I Dream of Jeannie” and “Bewitched” every day, followed by three hours of NCIS. At least I’m getting a little better about getting to sleep at a decent time. That’s something I guess.

A cousin recently posted a comment on Facebook about the only person you can rely on is yourself. At first, I thought, how sad. That means you’re all alone and not able to trust anyone. But sometimes, I think she’s got it right. I know I can always count on Allen (my husband)…to just be there if nothing else. But for the big world out there, I don’t know. It can come with some pretty big blows sometimes. I’m getting tired of being hit by them.

Not leading up to such a positive ending to my blog today, am I? Well, this is my world…my “zoo.” I don’t think I have many readers but maybe something will hit home with someone. I’m always up for discussion too if you want to leave a comment or send me an email.

One bright spot every day around this house is our Willy. He finally got to the groomer’s yesterday. What a handsome “puppy.” He always makes me smile!

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