"Success is not measured by what you accomplish but the opposition you have encountered and the courage
with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."

Orison Swett Marden

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Hitting you sideways...

I know I just posted yesterday, but I’m in the mood to write again today. It’s been a hot day here in the metro area. Allen had a fishing outing planned with the Men’s Ministry at church so we didn’t see him until about three this afternoon. Craig and I did some shopping. We’re doing some room switching…he’s moving to the downstairs bedroom and my craft room will be upstairs (I’m happy about that because I’ll actually have more room for my stuff). I’ve pretty much let Craig dictate how he wants his bedroom to look. I know I’ve heavily influenced his décor in the past so I wanted to give him more say this time. His bedding and posters have already arrived and we got paint today along with some other items. Now just to conjure up the energy to start painting! Didn’t start today though…spent some time in the pool instead.

In my first blog entry, I told you that this blog is about the “zoo” that is my life. Lately I’ve just been keeping you updated on what we’re up to, so I thought I should do a real check –in with you since it’s been a while.

I’ve seen my new therapist four times now. It’s going OK. She seems to be asking me the right questions, even if I don’t always like them. The mental health staff at MeritCare/Sanford aren’t doing anything to make me feel very welcome anymore. I had wanted to keep my same psychiatrist because I also see a neurologist at MC/S for migraine headaches. Medications prescribed for migraines often crossover to psych meds so I thought it would be better for those two doctors to be at the same place. But when I saw my psychiatrist last week, I felt a boatload of indifference from him. Of course, he told me it didn’t matter to him who I saw, but I still felt an attitude of “whatever” coming across. So I may end up getting a psychiatrist at Lakeland Mental Health just because I’m sick of MeritCare/Sanford and how they have treated me this year.

Unfortunately I haven’t been doing much journaling lately. I have been feeling somewhat depressed and have very little energy, but it seems that I have been choosing not to deal with the feelings that are lurking beneath. Cheryl, my therapist, manages to get to them when I see her and I don’t like that very much. Can you say DENIAL????? Last Wednesday I kept saying over and over to myself, “I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry.” Damnit if I couldn’t keep those tears back. The $64,000 question was: Is it OK to have these feelings? My answer: well, it’s supposed to be. Meaning…I’m not feeling like these feelings are OK. I’d like to treat them like TV mobsters treat their enemies: put them in a bucket of cement, let it harden and then throw it out to sea.

But I should know better than that. I’ve been dealing with unwanted feelings most of my life and my “homework” is to journal about my current feelings as well as the facts. I tend to distort facts and feelings often, as most people with measureable mental illness do (well, even those without mental illness can be prey to distorted thinking). I’m so sick of what has happened to me this year I just want to pull out of everything. Why do I need a therapist right now anyway? Cheryl told me she thinks I am making decisions based on emotions rather than fact. Well, uh, shit. I suppose she’s right.

But it’s hard to be in this place. I’m confused. I’m not supposed to trust people as much as I have in the past but yet how do I know where the line is? When pushed, the feelings that surface are, at the very least, uncomfortable. Feelings of sadness and loss. Abandonment. Frustration. Betrayal. Grief. Who wants to feel that stuff? And even more so, who wants to deal with it all? I’ve got things hitting me from all angles: mental health therapy, physical problems (my foot and ankle as well as my migraines), the lack of energy to keep up with “normal” day to day things, family concerns, financial concerns, etc. And clouding over everything is that feeling that I just don’t think I can deal with it all. Of course, I should know better there too because I have already been to hell and back a few times in my life…this is definitely not the worst year I’ve ever had. It’s easier to give in to the negative though.

I drew an Angel card before I started writing. I wanted to put it back and draw another but I know that’s cheating! My word is “Light.” Light can mean many things. The first thing I thought of was the light at the end of the tunnel. Have you heard the one about it being an oncoming train? That seems to be the way my life is a lot. If I look inside and find my spirituality, my relationship with God, I do remember that He is the Light. The Light and the Way, as a matter of fact. I think I am missing the crucial component of spirituality in my life…my personal relationship with God isn’t full of a lot of light right now. All the pastors I relied on for many years have moved on so I’ve kind of been in stasis for a couple years. I need to find someone who “gets” me and who can challenge my spirituality on my level. I don’t know where to find that person, but I do think it would help me…to get some Light back in my life again. To get in touch with my spirituality in God again. That may help everything else too.

For now, I need to look in the cages of my “zoo” that are messed up and start being honest at least with myself about the feelings that are rattling around in there. I do see where I’m holding back. My first psychiatrist, who I think is an absolute genius, said that you can’t avoid your feelings. If you do, they will hit you sideways when you’re not looking.

Been there, done that.

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